My Lord, My Love and Lazarus

During a pre fight interview heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson remarked, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”

In January my husband died without warning and I felt that quote in a visceral way. All my plans for ‘us’ blew away like dry leaves in the wind. In one heartbeat, I went from beloved wife to bereft widow.

I have spent the past few months in bereavement boot camp, being broken down and allowing God to build me back up, often ‘one minute at a time,’ because ‘one day at a time’ is just too overwhelming.

In the initial weeks after my husband’s death, I moved methodically. Every evening I’d make a to-do list for the following day. I needed to do this because without my husband’s work schedule to delineate time, the warp and weft that knit our days together simply unraveled. I forced myself to create those lists to help me check off vital things that needed to be done to keep our large family afloat. Financial, medical, spiritual. In that order, if I am honest.

God never abandoned me on His side of our relationship, but on my side – my faith withdrew into a sort of shell shocked dormancy. I readily identified with C.S. Lewis, where in his classic book, A Grief Observed, he wrote, “God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

It was a strange thing to find my faith so sorely tested and to know that I was crawling closer to Jesus only out of sheer reflex, like muscle memory. I knew that my house of cards had fallen, but there was still a firm foundation underneath. I merely had to dig through the rubble of my broken life to find it.

The emotional debris seemed impossibly heavy, even with all those who so graciously helped. As the date approached for the church service marking the public celebration of my beloved husband, I knew I had to reconnect, even briefly, with My Lord in order to find the strength to honor them both during the service.

The morning of the service arrived. The venue, food, video and speech were ready. The grueling emotional hours I had spent in preparation represented my gratitude and enduring love for my husband pouring out of me.

However, I wasn’t ready to leave home yet. Not until I dug deep for the firm foundation that is My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Before leaving for the service, I remembered and chose to read the story behind the simplest and shortest scripture about Jesus ever recorded.

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35

Memorizing scripture is vital, because even when your heart is shattered, the gospel still breathes life.

The condensed version of the story behind John 11:35 – Jesus is away with his disciples and receives word that a dear friend, Lazarus, is very sick. Lazarus has two sisters, Mary and Martha, who send word so that Jesus can walk the two miles to heal Lazarus. Jesus responds in a confusing way.

Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha.  (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.)  So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

 When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.  So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days,  and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” John 11: 1-8.

Did you catch that? Jesus stayed put. He didn’t rush off immediately to heal Lazarus. By the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus was dead and his body had been entombed for four days.

Seems like a dastardly move, doesn’t it? What kind of Savior dilly dallies and lets a beloved friend die?

Rest assured, Jesus isn’t the Regent of Random – he reigns over His kingdom with perfect precision, not an atom spins out of His knowledge or control. Jesus knew Lazarus would die, and He knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead – but more importantly – WHY He would raise him. “No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” 

Martha receives word that Jesus is on the way and she doesn’t sit at home, she goes to meet him. I felt her agony and her plea intimately as I read the story again. I’ve read this story many times, but now I am a different reader. Death had taken my true love, and I felt Martha’s broken heart.

When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.

 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died.  But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.” John 11:21-22.

We don’t know if Martha said this to Jesus in a tone of accusation or simply in acknowledgement of His deity.

Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.” John 11: 23-27.

Jesus doesn’t go on to raise Lazarus because of Martha’s answer. It was never a question of her faith. He had already told the disciples He was going to raise Lazarus. Jesus’ gentle questions are a reminder to Martha that life eternal awaits those who believe in Him.

Jesus’ questions were a reminder to me. Jesus said to Elle, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

“Yes, Lord, I do. But the promise of the next world isn’t alleviating the bitter sting of my husband’s death. I hate it, Lord. My heart is broken for me and my children.”

I dug even deeper through the rubble to get to the firm foundation of His love.

I found out that in the Hebrew culture, the prevailing belief in the time of Lazarus was that the soul stayed near its body for three days. So, if Lazarus had been raised in days 1-3, the Hebrew people would have attributed it to the soul returning, and not divine intervention. Jesus waited until the fourth day, because day four was “No Hope Day.” I’d always assumed Jesus showed up later because then the miracle of Lazarus’ resurrection would be more impressive. It certainly was more impressive, but again – Jesus’ actions aren’t random. He knew exactly what the people would believe if he had showed up in the first three days.

Jesus is not dastardly, he is DEITY.

I felt better knowing Jesus is, was, and always will be the Hope who can be relied upon on No Hope Day.

I dug even deeper, because I was starving for Him after shutting Him out for a month.

Lazarus’ sister Mary repeats what Martha said.

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” John 11:32

I could have written those words. “Lord, if you had been here, my husband would not have died.”

His reaction to Mary’s distress was the final thing I needed to plant my feet back onto solid ground.

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he groaned in the spirit and was troubled. John 11:33

‘Groaned in the spirit and was troubled.’ My Bible is in English, but I searched the original Greek for its authentic meaning. ‘Groaned in the spirit’ comes from ‘embrimaomai‘ which translates to -‘to snort with anger’ like a horse. ‘Was troubled’ comes from ‘tarraso‘ which refers to ‘bodily agitation.’

I was flooded with the image of Jesus being so mad at the death of Lazarus that he snorted with anger and his body was shook with agitation.

I had felt those precise feelings. The day I had to sign my husband’s death certificate, while my best friend from first grade watched me snort and shake with rage and hand me tissue after tissue as a river of tears blinded me….Jesus had felt that horrible immeasurable grief too.

Jesus is Immanuel, God with Us, the one who took on human form and knows our emotions intimately. He is never a distant and uncaring God.

I was so relieved to know that Jesus hated death too. I was profoundly comforted to know that right after Jesus felt his body shaking with rage,

 “Jesus wept.”

Jesus raged, he shook, he wept. Does this sound like an uncaring Savior? One who didn’t understand my broken heart?

I was comforted to know that death isn’t just ‘my’ enemy. Jesus saw it that way too.

R.C. Sproul writes, “The Bible describes death as an enemy. It is not the only enemy of the Christian, but it is described as the “last enemy.” In 1 Corinthians, Paul affirms that Christ will reign until He has put all enemies under His feet, and the last of those enemies will be death (1 Cor. 15:25–26). It should be a great comfort to the believer to know that the One in whom he places his trust is Christus Victor.”

In Revelation 1:18 Jesus says, “I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hell.” Possessing the “keys of death” means that the risen Christ has control and authority over death.

No one can take those keys out of the firm grasp of Jesus. Jesus laid down His life to defeat death, the final enemy. As I write this, tomorrow is Easter Sunday, the day set aside to remember the Resurrection of Jesus. He conquered the grave. Christus Victor. Victorious Christ.

I went to my husband’s service and was able to give the speech honoring My Lord and my Love, because of Lazarus. I held on to the comfort of Jesus feeling rage and agitation about Lazarus dying, knowing he felt the exact same way about my husband dying. Jesus and I were on the same team, and that was a crucial and profound truth to me.

And I know I will see my husband again because when…

Jesus said to Barry, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

He said yes.

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